For many years I struggled as a victim.
Physical, emotional and sexual abuse, two marriages, two divorces, continual alienation, love loss, death surgeries, rape, minor forms of cancer, career loss, depression, addiction, custody loss, anxiety, self deprecation, loss of family members, isolation, homelessness, hopelessness and martyrdom. I also excelled in many areas such as playing the saxophone, abstract and mixed media art, three beautiful boys, graduation and certification for two degrees in the orthopedic and plastic surgery, Arkansas Crafter’s license, half marathoner, mud run and obstacle course racing, skydiving, homeopathic product creator and now on the adventure of owning my own business.
Many of these low points in my life were out of my control and not preventable. Many were unfortunate situational events caused by myself or things I chose to be a part of. Self depreciation, martyrdom, self destruction and isolation has occupied more time and energy than I care to admit. The battle I struggle with the most and continues to be a daily challenge and sometimes struggle is my battle with post traumatic stress disorder and Depression.
I began this war when I was 14 years old. Not knowing the correct words to describe what I was feeling isolated myself to fight alone. I honestly thought this was normal. All of the emotional, verbal and even sexual abuse… was normal. By the time I was old enough to realize that this wasn’t normal and very inappropriate at best, I was so full of shame and embarrassment I couldn’t tell anyone. Years went on like this and I began to carry that baggage with me everywhere that I went. It reared its ugly head ruining relationships and became a breeding ground for self hate and resentment.
In the midst of the turmoil Is where I find the strength to not give up. To continue fighting because not many, if any, will fight for me. There have been a few days that I truly gave up on myself looking at what I had become. Yet some sort of miraculous intervention has always changed the playing field. A simple, kind gesture from a stranger on one of those days could mean that I strive to live another day. The endurance needed for a battle of infinite proportions takes the fight and desire to fight, trustworthy supporters and the ability to do it again.
Lastly, know when to fight, what your fighting for, NEVER give up and know when you need to ask for help. My journey is just beginning and every day is blessing after blessing. Thank you for supporting this project. It is just the beginning!